Random Thoughts While Attempting Sleep

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Do you only come to stalk at night?
When the temple oil spills, is that figure in the mirror shaking?
Does it speak?
Of regret
Past fatality
Do you adhere to me as celestial glue?
An injection of your constellation?
Stomach pangs
Gooseflesh walks
When will he take me under?
Walls conquered sect
Sharpshooting a magnetic thaw
Conquest alpha
On the wings of Asteru
Amputated empathetic
A follower
Omega
Chaser of lost time
Sequestered holiness
Serpent acidic
Erotic surgery performed on the aorta
Poppy field entrapment
Exsanguinated lust
MO displacement
Shaved eyelid compass
Virgin ash
Whore white
Birch nails
Pooling emotional eyes

//6’s and 7’s

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His dead lay in pools
Collected and weeping
And my heart now bleeds in color never seen before by an eye

Where a violet bruise begins to form
At the place his words attempted to puncture my skin-

Beneath the roots that grow astray
From where our bodies used to lay

A feeling never far
A place unclear

I watched as his eyelids gave way
To something dark
Something vague-

Trifle-

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“I sat there.
In disbelief that I had so blatantly failed to ever make this connection somewhere over these tangled years. I had known then, what I now realized, but never wanted to accept.
I wanted it to be different.
I thought it could be different.
I thought we could make it work.

I had lived for years in his fantasies and his illusions. A myth of his own creation. The reality of the situation, of loving me, was something entirely different. Something he was not prepared for. Something he did not prefer to do. Emotional unavailability is a recurring theme in my life, and my love/hate of emotional torture- but that is another story, another book, another time.
He wasn’t prepared for this reality we had found ourselves in. The shock of the real-life love scenario.
My irrationality.
My unbridled passions.
My moodiness.
My capacity and incapacity for love.
My uneasiness.
My complication.
My contradiction that I am.

The way that love’s venom takes a hold of me, through a single, small incision. Rendering me helpless in it’s cruel web. A madwoman of changing and swelling emotion.

I knew very acutely within five minutes of meeting him, that I would never truly “know” him. That only a piece of him was present with others at all times. A small slice of his consciousness.
I was OK with this.
I admired it.
I was attracted to it.
You see, when you speak with him, it is prevalent that while he is engaged in conversation with you, only a small percentage of him is actually there in that moment. He is always flying, soaring through previously unexplored transcendental terrain. He thinks in numbers, and equation. Scientific fact.

I use perception. Emotion. Patterns. Behaviors.

Going back to the first time I met him. In high school. Years ago.

I was immediately hooked, and would remain a willing, albeit struggling victim suffocating on his line for years. Trapped inside the puzzles and calculations of his brain. Lost somewhere among other countless victims of his continued neglect.
A future trophy.
Consumed and expended.

He was enigmatic.
He was brilliant.
He surpassed me on every level.
He was beautiful.
He had faraway eyes.
I knew he had the emotional and mental artillery to destroy me.
And I let it happen.
He was as much of a maze to me then, as he is now.
He was something fatal.
Some kind of gorgeous chaos.
Something I never wanted to take my eyes off of.
He stuck out to me, as a sun fighting off the darkest of nights.
A war was raging within him.

I wanted to help him fight.
I wanted to show him what he couldn’t find on his own.
I wanted to give him unconditional love.
Understanding…

I am still trapped today in the recesses of his brain.
It is there I will remain until some sort of exorcism occurs within me.
Or until he lets me out…”

The beginning of something I am currently working on. Needs editing and rearranging. Thought I would share something for now.

I reach long into his erupting dust-

Ignoring the final cost

 

He offers

Me

No shelter

No Sanctuary

Only an abrasive touch

Eroding away my best intention-

I swallowed by his harsh sun

All too much

 

Revealing everything I am

An absolution in the blindness of his day-

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